Don’t think of Pink Elephants!

Change can be difficult when dealing with your uncooperative children, it is tempting to say something that you may regret such as, “You must do this or else!” When reducing the exchange to one of the mandatory obedience in avoidance of punishment, the situation immediately lapses to adversarial status, often with both parent and children reacting defensively. With this clash of wills, who will end up with a winner and a loser and more often than not, everybody loses! Does this sound familiar? This can be avoided at all costs. It’s always best to try to approach the situation from a new perspective of encouragement.

It is important to redefine your role as a parent. What is it? Your role could be seen as parent to enable your children feel good and to achieve their goals. With a little practice, the positive learning situation is simple to maintain. To assist in its development, the parent or educator should be careful to avoid messages or feedbacks that could be potentially be misconstrued on any level as confrontational, insulting, demeaning or critical! In order to avoid inadvertently conveying these potentially damaging messages, it is vital that the adult uses ‘positive imagery’. When using positive imagery in developing new skills, simply provide the children with the clear mental image of the task you wish them to develop. Deceptively powerful and sometimes surprising difficult to utilise, positive imagery has the effect of increasing motivation, accelerating progress and increasing self-confidence of both children and adults.

Ultimately this results in children who are growing to their potential with a healthy level of self-confidence. Children are able to accept your feedbacks as they are intended rather than as personal criticisms. To get a better understanding of positive imagery, try the following exercise: Don’t think of a pink elephant! Instead think of a blue elephant — NO PINK ELEPHANTS! Of course, immediately after reading the first sentence, you think of a pink elephant. Even after you’re told not to a second time, you still are. Introducing the idea of a blue elephant at this stage doesn’t help much, as that damn pink elephant is still in your brain. Reinforced this way, you are likely to become obsessed with pink elephants. Sorry about that. Now try this: Think of a green cow. That’s great, you got, it. A green cow, with 4 legs and a smile. Now, isn’t that more pleasant? After receiving this instruction, is anyone having trouble thinking of an ostrich? I think not.

Research by Daniel Wegner a Professor at Harvard University found that when we try to not think of a thought, one part of our mind will avoid the thought, but another part will keep checking to make sure the thought isn’t coming to mind. It’s ironic, but the process our minds engage to not think the thought, actually makes us think the thought. In other words, avoid planting any unnecessary images that may conflict with the desired outcome. It is more difficult to use this method when you are parenting because there may not be an established, familiar reference point. But that is exactly why positive imagery is so vital. If your child is not interpreting the correct position, the parent or the teacher must be creative and come up with another model to present. One that will enable the child to orient themselves to a closer approximation of the desired task. It is important that the reinforced goal becomes the positive model and not the negative. “Your bedroom is untidy” is not the same as “Can you tidy your room?” or “Don’t swear” still doesn’t provide the requisite positive image like. Whereas “Use good language” does.

An instruction of ‘don’t shout or scream’ has the potential of actually increasing the likelihood of such an occurrence, as that is the only image the children has been presented with. Regardless of how they are intended, repeated messages that includes the words ‘no’, ‘not’, ‘don’t’ and other negatives tend to foster in the children the general sense that they are always doing something wrong! This tends to erode their self-confidence or self image, which is exactly the opposite of the desired outcome. Possibly the most damaging examples of this type of statements like, ‘You’re slow’ or ‘You are weak’ or ‘You are unstable’, as the intent of these phrases is too open to be interpreted by children as a direct insult. Did you ever receive such messages from your parents and teachers? How did it make you feel? Did it boost your self-confidence or self-image? Did it contribute to your self-efficacy? I am sure most people know the negative effects of these kinds of punitive messages and most adults still continue in the same old fashion. So why is this happening? Often the predictability of using punitive messages is based on underlying negative emotions. When you are feeling anxious, overwhelmed or under pressure, your cognitive pathways shut down resulting in poorly thought out responses. Being in the present is the first step in dissolving this behaviour that you have learned from your parents, teachers, leaders and peers.

What a parent or a teacher says has a tremendous impact on children and it’s worth trying to make sure that impact is as positive as possible. It might help to start by making sure you are in right mood or start by making a game of it or a challenge. See if it’s possible to communicate a whole weekend without using words ‘no’, ‘not’, ‘don’t’ and telling your children what not to do! This may be taking you out of your comfort zone, so it is better to play safe and build up new emotional benzene within your children.

It is highly suggested to practice the following activity with your children before you feel you and your children are ready to experiment with the main approach (as described above). You can introduce guided imagery by explaining that it is way you can make pictures in your mind that can help your children feel calm and relaxed. Then lead them through this simple guided imagery process:

1. Find a comfortable position. You can sit or lie down. Notice how you are feeling right now… your body and your mind.
2. Take a deep breath in through your nose and let the air out through your mouth.
3. Take another breath, and feel your whole body getting calm as you breathe out.
4. Continue to breathe slowly and gently.
5. Breathe in relaxation…. and breathe out any worries…. breathe in calm…. and let all your worries go as you breathe out….
6. Now imagine in your mind a place where you feel totally comfortable and happy. This might be a favourite place you have been, or somewhere you have seen, or it might be completely made up. It’s up to you.
7. Picture a place where you feel happy and calm.
8. Start to add details now: What do you see there? What do you hear? How does this wonderful, calm, happy place smell?
9. Imagine how your body feels. You are comfortable, enjoying the nice temperature…. happy being still and relaxed or doing whatever enjoyable activities you participate in here.
10. Enjoy the way you feel in this safe place.
11. You feel calm and safe here.
12. Remain in your place while you practice being calm and relaxed.
13. Again notice the environment around you in this place. Take some moments to just enjoy it and be here. Soon, it will be time to leave, but know that you can return here in your imagination any time to relax, feel calm, and feel comfortable and safe.
14. In a moment I will count to three. You can become more awake and energized on the count of three. One …take a deep, cleansing breath in… and breathe out slowly. Two… take another deep breath and breathe out.
    Three…. you are feeling calm, confident, and refreshed.

Remember our words creates our realities. You have a choice. Choose words that diminish your child’s self-worth or self-image or words that encourage your child’s growth and development in an optimal way.